O.J. Ate My Baby

As hard as it may be to remember, there was once a time when O.J. Simpson was a shining example of all-American success: he was a celebrated football player, dubious actor and, as the above ad of yore demonstrates, an advertising whore. Most people probably remember him ho'ing for American Express, but there were also those cowboy boots…Dingos. Which is entirely appropriate considering all the trouble he got into further on down the line. Anyone remember those tabloid headlines from yesteryear- DINGOE’S ATE MY BABY? Well, for all we know, maybe that's how O.J. has sustained himself over the years. No steroids and vitamins for O.J., hell no, only the blood of the innocent would suffice. That's the headline I want to see- O.J. ATE MY BABY! He and Leslie Nielsen learned all about the satanic benefits of baby-eating through that weird, all-male, owl-worshipping cult out amongst the redwoods at Bohemian Grove… engaging in transvestism, ritual sacrifice and drug-fueled homosexual orgies with the titans of industry, politics and commerce. Is it that hard to believe? Come on, O.J. went from Nordberg to Jack the Ripper for fuck's sake!

I remember when that whole thing began... I was sitting in a bar in Detroit watching the cops chase that bronco live on TV, and all I kept thinking was," Come on, O.J., just drive off a bridge and spare us the months and months of some shitty, sensational celebrity trial!!!" Not surprisingly, O.J. failed to heed my psychic suggestions and what happened? 9 months of judicial and prosecutorial incompetence, followed by a not guilty verdict. Yet curiously, a little later he was declared "financially responsible" for the murders of his wife and Ron Goldman at his civil trial. I've wondered for years how someone can be responsible for murder, but not guilty of it. How the fuck does that work?!? Isn't the general consensus that if you're responsible for something, THEN YOU DID IT?!? It's never been a question of race to me; it's been a question of privilege. Robert Blake walked away scot free, and Phil Spector recently got a hung jury. That fuckin’ jury should be hung! Because from what I heard on the news, Lana Clarkson's front teeth were broken from the force of the gun entering her mouth. Don't most people commit suicide to escape their pain? Why would someone give themselves extra pain right before they killed themselves?!? It's ALL gonna be over in a few seconds, why hurt yourself any more than you’re going to? Call me a realist, shit, it makes sense to me... unless it really was some impulsive, heat of the moment act. But why would anyone blow their brains out over Phil Spector? The man who somehow makes both Little Orphan Annie and Carrot-Top seem attractive?!?

Can you imagine anyone violently blowing their head off because some washed-up freak wouldn’t offer them a business deal of some kind? If her last hope was Phil Spector, maybe it was a desperate, impulsive act. I don't know, personally speaking I took one look at that hair of his and knew he was guilty of something. In fact, shouldn't that hairstyle alone constitute crimes against humanity?!?

The other thing about Phil Spector is that he has a long history of getting violently drunk and threatening people with guns. He did it to The Ramones, why the hell not some poor B-Movie chick? Except that with poor old Lana he took it into O.J. territory. And let's not forget, his last name is Spector. Maybe it used to be Specter that would explain a lot. He sure as fuck looks like a specter.

Anyway, one of the few celebrities that I can remember who actually did go to jail was Robert Downey Junior...

but then again, that was after several hundred slaps on the wrist for drugs and firearms violations. If O.J. had kept showing up in front of the court every 4- 6-months on murder charges he might have actually done some time too.
“O.J., you honestly expect the court to believe that the gallon of blood in your SUV was from cutting yourself shaving? AGAIN? You've told us this the last 3 times you were here, you fuckin' IDIOT! Get some help, O.J., or the next time I see you in here I'm putting you away!!!" Any celebrity is gonna skate, unless they do something so heinous and blatant that there's no possible way to defend it. Say, for instance, someone films a celebrity sawing a person's head off in a Sunoco public toilet! That might be a tad harder to explain away...

:" My client did not commit this reprehensible crime your honor..."

"May I remind the defense that someone filmed Mr. Travolta decapitating the victim'?!? Perhaps you'd be better off trying to enter a plea of guilty by reason of insanity counselor??? After all, he did appear in those Look Who's Talking films and he's a Scientologist. I think you'll have a pretty good case there...

Speaking of decapitation, did you hear about the guy the other day that attacked one of his fellow passengers on some bus in Canada? I saw a news story that featured an interview with another passenger on the bus who said that there was one guy leaning his head up against the window listening to his headphones when some other guy casually stabbed the poor bastard 50 times before cutting his head off. This shit happened ON THE BUS!!! In Canada!!! With tons of witnesses, yet on the news they referred to this psycho as a suspect. SUSPECT?!? He's no suspect if 20 people witnessed him murder and decapitate someone on a bus., he's the PERPETRATOR! The motherfucker did it! There's footage showing him eating pieces of the poor bastard! That's no fuckin' suspect!!! The only reason they use that legalese -speak on the news is to protect their asses just in case the head-cutter might sue them ... even though they caught him feasting on Billy Jim's head.

What a horrifying story, huh? And that shit happened in Canada... I thought they were a bunch of peaceful cheese eaters up there!?! Jesus, we expect that sort of shit in Milwaukee or the Middle East, but Canada? This is the kind of story that makes people think the devil is real...and living in Canada.

Until next time, keep your head up and attached to your neck... and keep reaching for the Orange Cabbage!