Home security in the 21st century requires more than expensive, sophisticated alarms, CCTV cameras and intimidating guard dogs. In the New Millennium, such measures are insufficient to fully ensure the safety of you and your loved ones. The modern-day criminal requires an extreme deterrent, and what follows is a series of steps to achieve this objective.
The first step you need to take is to dig a large moat around the parameter of your property and fill it up to the brim with aquatic monitor lizards. Remember, these creatures are vicious, and not easily obtainable, but if you’re truly serious about security, you’ll find a way to get them.
Next, you place an ad in the classified section of your local newspaper seeking an albino pinhead. You may not find one, but anyone who shows up in response to this ad will most likely serve your needs. However, if you have been lucky enough to find an albino pinhead, take him to a dentist and get his teeth filed into sharp little points. Next, shave his head and cover his face with white pancake make-up and begin referring to him as Salem’s Lot Junior. Then have him wander around your house in the nude while carrying one of those novelty inflatable alien love dolls. Encourage Salem’s Lot Junior to periodically pull a carrot out of his back pocket and shove it into the doll in a frenzied, violent fashion.
The final step requires you to purchase a broad range of ugly, diseased animals. Hairless rats, cats and dogs covered in blackheads and tumors work spectacularly, especially if they just lie around slowly dying and licking each other’s infections. Animals of this unfortunate nature can often be obtained from science labs for a nominal fee.
These 3 elements- the lizards, the perverted pinhead and the ugly diseased household pets form a triumvirate of safety for the nuclear family of the New Millennium. Why, even such notorious creeps as Osama Bin Laden, Charles Manson and Adolf Hitler would run shrieking like wounded school girls if they ever laid eyes on such a hideous spectacle.
So that’s it! I hope you’ve found my suggestions helpful, friends! Until next time, be safe and keep reaching for the orange cabbage
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