Friday, August 8, 2008

Moving Day

I was informed today that I'm not supposed to have the same content on two sites (uh-oh), so I'm officially moving my schtick off of Blogger to my new and improved own website. If you like what you've seen so far and want to see more please go to

And always remember...keep reaching for the Orange Cabbage!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

The Pledge of Obedience

Alright kids, I think it's about time that someone discussed one of the most retarded aspects of American culture, and that is The Pledge of Allegiance. What are we, a nation of boy scouts and brownies? I understand patriotism, but this shit is enforced patriotism friends. Think about it: every morning in every elementary school across the country, children are required to stand up, place their hand over their heart and solemnly declare the national oaf, "I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the United States of America. ..And to the Republic, for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." Now, maybe I was just born under a bad sign, but ever since the first time I spoke those words I thought it was a crock of shit. Pledging allegiance to a flag ? No, it's not just "a flag", it's "the flag, you un-American little cocksucker!" Well, maybe I am an un-American little cocksucker, because after the first time that I spoke those words of blind obedience, it struck me as being, well, words of blind obedience! And from that day forward I would rise for the flag salute and gibberish my way through it. I'd do it in the voice of Charlie Brown's teacher" wah-wah wah-wah-wah..." It sure as hell made that shit a lot more fun, I'll tell you that much. I kept it up for years too and no one ever noticed. Not once.

Personally speaking, I've come to regard the Pledge of Allegiance along the same lines as the Nazi salute! All you have to do is extend your hand out from your heart at a 90 degree angle and you're there! Sieg-Heiling the flag!

When you actually think about it free from the bondage of brain-washing ,this form of patriotism represents psychosis more than patriotism. Pledging allegiance to a piece of drapery. It could've been a fuckin' doily cloth for all the difference it would make: " I pledge allegiance, to the doily, of the United States of America..." Imagine if someone were to pledge allegiance to their favorite doily cloth every morning? It wouldn't take long before the men in white coats showed up to take them to a safe place with a special little padded cell, would it?

Every country has its flag, but we're the only ones who actually speak to it ! You know why other countries don't? Because they realize that it's just a fuckin' flag ! A symbol for their country, not an object of holy worship. That's the real reason why they don't allow prayer in American public schools- they already have one! People don't recognize it as such, but it is a prayer. A prayer of unquestioning devotion. Almost like marriage vows. Creepy.

The brain-washing runs deep too. Just consider that Burger King commercial that was on a little while ago which featured hidden cameras filming Candid Camera-like pranks on the customers. Remember that shit? People were getting all bent out of shape because they were telling them that they had stopped selling whoppers. These folks were getting seriously pissed off, saying things like," I want to see the manager, right now" and "I came in here to get a whopper and I'm not leaving 'til I get one!!!" Here's my question: How come these people can get so self-righteous over the perceived injustice of not receiving their daily bovine-fix, yet most of them don't even raise an eyebrow over getting royally ass-fucked nine ways to Sunday by King George Bush II and his criminal administration?!? They'll bitch up a shit-storm to some over-worked, under-paid 17 year-old Guatemalan girl, but they never seem to find it necessary to bitch up a shit-storm at those under-worked, over-paid fuck-holes who are supposed to be their representatives !?!

Here's another thing that has puzzled and disturbed me: Why have they always called people who are against war and for peace radicals? They used to call those 60's anti-war protesters "radicals". How the fuck did protesting against another unjustified war make them radical? Actually, the throwing of Molotov cocktails made some of them radical, but you know why that shit happened, don't ya? Because special agents in the F.B.I. infiltrated certain radical elements of the counter culture and encouraged them to engage in acts of violence. Its documented folks, it's true. Google the word COINTELPRO into your computer and see for yourself! That shit was a creation of our government, the guys who have been the true radicals from the very beginning. The guys who love war, power, money and suffering...the snake men...the illuminati...(cue scary organ music).
Think about some of the world's most widely admired figures - Jesus wasn't radical, Buddha wasn't radical, Gandhi wasn't radical, Martin Luther King Jr. wasn't radical, and John Lennon wasn't radical. The ideas of peace and love that they espoused are the collective yearning we all have to see the world a beautiful, happy place. That's what most people want, right? Peace on earth? Love-Ins every Sunday?
You have to be one fucked-up bastard to want to see the streets coated in a thick glaze of blood and guts. We're normal friends, those people are radical- radically fucked!

Until next time, fuck the bastards! And remember, keep reaching for The Orange Cabbage!!!
Check out these links for more info on cointelpro as well as a groovy 60's web site:

Monday, August 4, 2008

Anthrax Attacks, Terry Gilliam and other Unpleasantness

Well, one of the biggest news stories over the last few days has been the suicide of Dr. Bruce Ivins, the chief suspect in the Anthrax attacks of 2001. Yep, he took the old Tylenol/Codeine train straight out of Lifesville. You know what still shocks me though, even 7 years after those attacks? How a great, thrash band could have been manipulated in such a frightening way by some microbiology dork. Anthrax...The guys who brought us the awesome music and social commentary of the song "Indians", are actually a vicious biological threat to the safety of this great nation. Have you seen what they can do to a person? Yikes!

Heavy metal has always been anti-social, but that's taking it way too far lads. Whatever happened to your wide-eyed idealism of the 80's? Boy I miss the 80's. Anthrax was just an excellent cutting-edge metal band, and many, many people hated Ronald Reagan and everything he stood for. Why if you told the average, everyday person back then that in 20 years time conservative political action committees would be pushing to have Reagan's head put on Mount Rushmore, they probably would have told you, "Go ahead and stick his head on Mount Rushmore... his actual head it now, he doesn't fucking use it anyway."

Well kids we’ll attack Reagan another day, let's get back to Anthrax ... and Ebola and small pox, just a few of the many scary diseases being studied in more labs then you'd care to think about. In an article for Wired entitled Anthrax Attack Debacle: Fox In The Henhouse, Brandon Keim relates how 14,000 people now work in the United States biodefense program, which worries many critics who see the potential for roguery or catastrophic mistakes by inexperienced microbiologists, not to mention "inconsistent oversight, with mistakes unreported and covered up..." it all sounds like something out of 12 Monkeys doesn't it? Is Terry Gilliam some kind of mad prophet? The seer of Monty Python perhaps?

Ah the threat of deadly diseases being unleashed on an unsuspecting populace, what a pleasant thought on this beautiful afternoon. It conjures up images of an outbreak of small pox on Daytona Beach...just in time for Spring Break. You won't be seeing that shit on MTV! Imagine all those sexy young bodies covered with pox... a vast contingent of Paris Hiltons and Justin Timberlake’s groaning in delirious agony and nursing their pustules in the sand. Send in the C.D.C., quickly!!!

Speaking of the C.D.C., it wasn't all that long ago that The Centers for Disease Control became The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Kind of like an afterthought, you know? "Hey guys, maybe we should be trying to prevent some of this shit...whaddaya think?"

The scariest disease that I know of has to be Ebola. Remember that shit? It's one of the many groovy viruses they love studying inside those good old biological defense laboratories we have scattered throughout the country. I read a book about it's outbreak in Zaire once called The Hot Zone, and it made me soil myself on several different occasions. Let's put it this way kids, if you're ever unfortunate enough to contract Ebola, do yourself a favor and take the good doctors Tylenol/Codeine suicide snack-pack option. You'll be glad you did, because Ebola causes some of the most horrific symptoms known to mankind. Not to get too graphic, but it basically involves lots of blood. Lots and lots of YOUR blood, beginning with the thickening and clogging of your veins resulting in parts of you dying...but that's not all, after further unpleasantness involving the skin splitting open and bleeding at the slightest touch, you finally end up with all of your blood evacuating your body from every orifice, leaving you as a giant puddle of infected plasma.

Until next time, keep reaching for the Orange Cabbage!

Sunday, August 3, 2008

O.J. Ate My Baby

As hard as it may be to remember, there was once a time when O.J. Simpson was a shining example of all-American success: he was a celebrated football player, dubious actor and, as the above ad of yore demonstrates, an advertising whore. Most people probably remember him ho'ing for American Express, but there were also those cowboy boots…Dingos. Which is entirely appropriate considering all the trouble he got into further on down the line. Anyone remember those tabloid headlines from yesteryear- DINGOE’S ATE MY BABY? Well, for all we know, maybe that's how O.J. has sustained himself over the years. No steroids and vitamins for O.J., hell no, only the blood of the innocent would suffice. That's the headline I want to see- O.J. ATE MY BABY! He and Leslie Nielsen learned all about the satanic benefits of baby-eating through that weird, all-male, owl-worshipping cult out amongst the redwoods at Bohemian Grove… engaging in transvestism, ritual sacrifice and drug-fueled homosexual orgies with the titans of industry, politics and commerce. Is it that hard to believe? Come on, O.J. went from Nordberg to Jack the Ripper for fuck's sake!

I remember when that whole thing began... I was sitting in a bar in Detroit watching the cops chase that bronco live on TV, and all I kept thinking was," Come on, O.J., just drive off a bridge and spare us the months and months of some shitty, sensational celebrity trial!!!" Not surprisingly, O.J. failed to heed my psychic suggestions and what happened? 9 months of judicial and prosecutorial incompetence, followed by a not guilty verdict. Yet curiously, a little later he was declared "financially responsible" for the murders of his wife and Ron Goldman at his civil trial. I've wondered for years how someone can be responsible for murder, but not guilty of it. How the fuck does that work?!? Isn't the general consensus that if you're responsible for something, THEN YOU DID IT?!? It's never been a question of race to me; it's been a question of privilege. Robert Blake walked away scot free, and Phil Spector recently got a hung jury. That fuckin’ jury should be hung! Because from what I heard on the news, Lana Clarkson's front teeth were broken from the force of the gun entering her mouth. Don't most people commit suicide to escape their pain? Why would someone give themselves extra pain right before they killed themselves?!? It's ALL gonna be over in a few seconds, why hurt yourself any more than you’re going to? Call me a realist, shit, it makes sense to me... unless it really was some impulsive, heat of the moment act. But why would anyone blow their brains out over Phil Spector? The man who somehow makes both Little Orphan Annie and Carrot-Top seem attractive?!?

Can you imagine anyone violently blowing their head off because some washed-up freak wouldn’t offer them a business deal of some kind? If her last hope was Phil Spector, maybe it was a desperate, impulsive act. I don't know, personally speaking I took one look at that hair of his and knew he was guilty of something. In fact, shouldn't that hairstyle alone constitute crimes against humanity?!?

The other thing about Phil Spector is that he has a long history of getting violently drunk and threatening people with guns. He did it to The Ramones, why the hell not some poor B-Movie chick? Except that with poor old Lana he took it into O.J. territory. And let's not forget, his last name is Spector. Maybe it used to be Specter that would explain a lot. He sure as fuck looks like a specter.

Anyway, one of the few celebrities that I can remember who actually did go to jail was Robert Downey Junior...
but then again, that was after several hundred slaps on the wrist for drugs and firearms violations. If O.J. had kept showing up in front of the court every 4- 6-months on murder charges he might have actually done some time too.
“O.J., you honestly expect the court to believe that the gallon of blood in your SUV was from cutting yourself shaving? AGAIN? You've told us this the last 3 times you were here, you fuckin' IDIOT! Get some help, O.J., or the next time I see you in here I'm putting you away!!!" Any celebrity is gonna skate, unless they do something so heinous and blatant that there's no possible way to defend it. Say, for instance, someone films a celebrity sawing a person's head off in a Sunoco public toilet! That might be a tad harder to explain away...

:" My client did not commit this reprehensible crime your honor..."

"May I remind the defense that someone filmed Mr. Travolta decapitating the victim'?!? Perhaps you'd be better off trying to enter a plea of guilty by reason of insanity counselor??? After all, he did appear in those Look Who's Talking films and he's a Scientologist. I think you'll have a pretty good case there...

Speaking of decapitation, did you hear about the guy the other day that attacked one of his fellow passengers on some bus in Canada? I saw a news story that featured an interview with another passenger on the bus who said that there was one guy leaning his head up against the window listening to his headphones when some other guy casually stabbed the poor bastard 50 times before cutting his head off. This shit happened ON THE BUS!!! In Canada!!! With tons of witnesses, yet on the news they referred to this psycho as a suspect. SUSPECT?!? He's no suspect if 20 people witnessed him murder and decapitate someone on a bus., he's the PERPETRATOR! The motherfucker did it! There's footage showing him eating pieces of the poor bastard! That's no fuckin' suspect!!! The only reason they use that legalese -speak on the news is to protect their asses just in case the head-cutter might sue them ... even though they caught him feasting on Billy Jim's head.

What a horrifying story, huh? And that shit happened in Canada... I thought they were a bunch of peaceful cheese eaters up there!?! Jesus, we expect that sort of shit in Milwaukee or the Middle East, but Canada? This is the kind of story that makes people think the devil is real...and living in Canada.

Until next time, keep your head up and attached to your neck... and keep reaching for the Orange Cabbage!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Scorpion Tails For Breakfast

You know what I love? I love those government-sponsored anti-drug commercials that tell us that illicit drug use supports terrorism, and then they go and show us some footage of a middle-aged white guy smoking a bone! Let me tell you something folks, if the terrorists are selling us weed, it’s no wonder why they’re losing the fucking war! Start selling cocaine and heroin you dumb-fucks! There’s no money in marijuana! And contrary to whatever propaganda you may have heard, it’s not addictive either. It’s not as if you smoke an ounce in 5 minutes and you immediately start jonesing, so you have to run outside and mug some old lady. That’s crack, motherfuckers! Maybe the terrorists don’t understand this fact because they’re a bunch of fucking high-ons! Imagine that shit:



Nah, I’m just kidding. Al Qaeda doesn’t smoke the ganja…those blood-thirsty bastards smoke scorpion tails! It’s true, why do you think they never stop fighting? It sure as hell isn’t because they’re “sooo baked, man”… no, those deranged swines are fueled by fucking scorpion venom! How’s the American Military supposed to counteract that shit? They don’t even let our soldiers drink anymore for Christ’s sake! They sure as hell aren’t going to start giving our men and women in uniform scorpion tails to suck down with breakfast. Wheaties and scorpion venom, that’ll get ya going in the morning, huh? Fuck coffee!


When you think about it, it doesn’t really matter that we have bombs that can turn corners and fly down wishing wells and emerge out of some rabbit hole in Tikrit, because those mofo’s are sucking down scorpion tails! That shit’s like Middle Eastern PCP! They’re probably like Jason Voorhees after they smoke that shit. We could send a fuckin’ robot army after those guys, have the robots incinerate them with their laser beam eyes, and these scorpion –sucking maniacs would raise themselves up from their smoldering pile of burnt flesh and RAPE the robots, then cut off their heads !!!

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Wank Along With BeBo

Isn't it about time that humanity over comes its collective belief that the flesh is dirty and sex is a sin? For anyone who thinks that religious guilt hasn't seeped into the collective unconscious, let's take a quick look at some of our slang terms for male masturbation, and their violent connotations.: beating off, jerking off, choking the chicken, spanking the monkey, yanking your crank, pulling your pud, and the lesser known, but no less violent, slapping the clown. Do you notice the common theme? Beating, jerking, choking, spanking, yanking, pulling and slapping. Such unpleasant terms for an act that I'm sure most of you agree to be rather pleasant and satisfying.

On the other hand, (forgive the pun) if masturbation is such a cruel and unusual activity, then why do they call it "playing with yourself"?

“Stop playing with yourself."

"Why? I never heard you tell me to stop playing monopoly... and this is a game I know I'm gonna win. I always win when I play this game."

Or what about hard-ons? Doesn't a hard-on sound like a toy?

“What are you doing up there, Jimmy?"

“I’m playing with my hard-on Ma!"

“Oh, OK honey...dinner will be ready in 5 minutes!"

It's the new hard-on from Mattel.

Then again, a hard-on could also be a super-power:

"... And that's when Captain Wankstain informed Dick Face that he was no match for his trusted hard-on!!!"

Of course any discussion about masturbation is incomplete unless we refer to pornography. The porno magazine industry must be suffering these days due to the amazing popularity of the internet, because have you noticed that they sell a lot of discount porno packs now? They come in those special 2 for 1 deals. It's like what they used to do with comic books in supermarkets when I was a kid, except instead of Marvel comics it's 2 pulls for the price of one. Desperate marketing strategies for desperate people, how ironic. These particular magazines feature such classy titles as Swank, which couldn't possibly be more fitting when you think about it. Reading Swank and havin' a wank! Wank with Swank! Subscribe to Swank and become a boner-fide Swanker. Okay, I'm flogging a dead whore with that one.

At this point I feel obliged to share a major criticism I have with Hustler magazine. There has been more than one occasion where I've been doing my bid-niz with the visual aid of Hustler and I INEVITABLY reached the phone line section, where my eyes fell prey to the hideous spectacle of a transsexual! What the fuckin' hell is a she-male doing in there? They have specialty items for that kind of shit, Larry Flint, you fucker!!! Just because you're paralyzed below the waist doesn't mean the rest of us want to be! That's the only time I've ever got E.D., as they euphemistically call it. Isn't erectile dysfunction just a subtle way of saying limp dick? Those people should be more honest with their advertising:

"Got limp-dick? Try Levitra!"

What more needs to be said? Okay, I know they have to announce the obligatory side-effects, but still, that only amounts to a 30-second commercial, which would save those pricks an awful lot of advertising dollars.

Anyway, after I experience limp dick after seeing that chicks with dicks bullshit that old Larry-boy loves to throw in amongst those pages, I start taking a closer look at some of the other phone line ads. One thing they all share in common is pure ridiculousness. You know, things a real woman would never say to you. They run the gamut from the mundane-"cum on my juggs", to the perversely creative- "red-hot fuck puppets want to hear you jerk-off RIGHT NOW". Then we have the Zappaesque- “I’m in the mood for splooge ", and the moronic- " I want to teach you the art of masturbation"... Art? Where the fuck's the art? You pull down your pants and start fondling yourself, it's not like it takes any special talent! All you need is a fuckin' hand for Christ's sake! Any time I see that sort of shit it always makes me think about how strange it would be if women actually spoke like that. Can you imagine a woman asking you if you wanted to learn the art of masturbation? What would you say? Would you tell her that you're already an expert, and then politely suggest that maybe you 2 should just fuck instead? Or what if a girl were to tell you that she was in the mood for splooge? Wouldn't that confuse you? It almost sounds like a type of cake, doesn't it? Splooge cake. Well, there's sponge cake, why not splooge cake? Or what if a woman declared to you that she was a red-hot fuck puppet? Doesn't that seem like possible psycho territory? She might be some deranged ho-ass like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, you know? The type of woman that would sneak into your house when you're away on family vacation and boil your daughter’s bunny rabbit in the crock pot!

Friday, July 25, 2008

About Me

What I believe in:

Whadda ya got? Actually, I believe in a hodge podge of various things, including the divinity of midgets and dwarves. We’re really fairy folk sent from the outer realms to help you- you just can't see it. Snake Finger Lippman knew this, that's why he told us Jesus was a Leprechaun.

If I could be anything or anyone for a day, I would be:

Stripe, from the movie 'Gremlins'.

Last great book I read was:

Borstal Boy By Brendan Behan, yaz whore's melts.

Best or worst lie I've ever told:

"I am a Republican."

Most humbling moment:

Someone believing that I was a Republican.

The things I can't live without:

Air, Food, Water, Plankton, and SpongeBob Square pants- you know, stuff the Republicans are against.

My favorite footwear:


In my bedroom, you'll find:

The corpses of people who ask me what's in my bedroom.

My idea of a perfect Sunday morning is:

The aliens are here, Jesus is back, the Government's disbanded and drinks are on the Whitehouse! With Jesus tending bar like Tom Cruise in 'Cocktail'.

If I could be anywhere right now, it would be...

Pissing on Ronald Reagan’s grave whilst punching Dick Cheney in the balls.

My favorite restaurants:

The Vegan Nazi Republican Bistro

A perfect meal:

Fried Fruit Bat, served with a side order of freshly squeezed guano - hold the Ebola.

At a party, I am most likely to be...

Hitting the bong with the ghosts of Wesley Willis, Syd Barrett and Tiny Tim

What's more important - the journey or the destination?

Steve Perry

One thing I'd like to do before I leave this earth:

Meet a Christian who only wants to talk about Bob Barker.

Why you should get to know me:

Because I found the keys to The Kingdom at White Castle. I was bid entrance by a pimply kid named Jeremy. He's our savior, you know.

Who and what I'm looking for:

What is this, a U2 song?