Well, one of the biggest news stories over the last few days has been the suicide of Dr. Bruce Ivins, the chief suspect in the Anthrax attacks of 2001. Yep, he took the old Tylenol/Codeine train straight out of Lifesville. You know what still shocks me though, even 7 years after those attacks? How a great, thrash band could have been manipulated in such a frightening way by some microbiology dork. Anthrax...The guys who brought us the awesome music and social commentary of the song "Indians", are actually a vicious biological threat to the safety of this great nation. Have you seen what they can do to a person? Yikes!
Heavy metal has always been anti-social, but that's taking it way too far lads. Whatever happened to your wide-eyed idealism of the 80's? Boy I miss the 80's. Anthrax was just an excellent cutting-edge metal band, and many, many people hated Ronald Reagan and everything he stood for. Why if you told the average, everyday person back then that in 20 years time conservative political action committees would be pushing to have Reagan's head put on Mount Rushmore, they probably would have told you, "Go ahead and stick his head on Mount Rushmore... his actual head ...do it now, he doesn't fucking use it anyway."
Well kids we’ll attack Reagan another day, let's get back to Anthrax ... and Ebola and small pox, just a few of the many scary diseases being studied in more labs then you'd care to think about. In an article for Wired entitled Anthrax Attack Debacle: Fox In The Henhouse, Brandon Keim relates how 14,000 people now work in the United States biodefense program, which worries many critics who see the potential for roguery or catastrophic mistakes by inexperienced microbiologists, not to mention "inconsistent oversight, with mistakes unreported and covered up..." it all sounds like something out of 12 Monkeys doesn't it? Is Terry Gilliam some kind of mad prophet? The seer of Monty Python perhaps?
Ah the threat of deadly diseases being unleashed on an unsuspecting populace, what a pleasant thought on this beautiful afternoon. It conjures up images of an outbreak of small pox on Daytona Beach...just in time for Spring Break. You won't be seeing that shit on MTV! Imagine all those sexy young bodies covered with pox... a vast contingent of Paris Hiltons and Justin Timberlake’s groaning in delirious agony and nursing their pustules in the sand. Send in the C.D.C., quickly!!!
Speaking of the C.D.C., it wasn't all that long ago that The Centers for Disease Control became The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Kind of like an afterthought, you know? "Hey guys, maybe we should be trying to prevent some of this shit...whaddaya think?"
The scariest disease that I know of has to be Ebola. Remember that shit? It's one of the many groovy viruses they love studying inside those good old biological defense laboratories we have scattered throughout the country. I read a book about it's outbreak in Zaire once called The Hot Zone, and it made me soil myself on several different occasions. Let's put it this way kids, if you're ever unfortunate enough to contract Ebola, do yourself a favor and take the good doctors Tylenol/Codeine suicide snack-pack option. You'll be glad you did, because Ebola causes some of the most horrific symptoms known to mankind. Not to get too graphic, but it basically involves lots of blood. Lots and lots of YOUR blood, beginning with the thickening and clogging of your veins resulting in parts of you dying...but that's not all, after further unpleasantness involving the skin splitting open and bleeding at the slightest touch, you finally end up with all of your blood evacuating your body from every orifice, leaving you as a giant puddle of infected plasma.
Until next time, keep reaching for the Orange Cabbage!
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