Isn't it about time that humanity over comes its collective belief that the flesh is dirty and sex is a sin? For anyone who thinks that religious guilt hasn't seeped into the collective unconscious, let's take a quick look at some of our slang terms for male masturbation, and their violent connotations.: beating off, jerking off, choking the chicken, spanking the monkey, yanking your crank, pulling your pud, and the lesser known, but no less violent, slapping the clown. Do you notice the common theme? Beating, jerking, choking, spanking, yanking, pulling and slapping. Such unpleasant terms for an act that I'm sure most of you agree to be rather pleasant and satisfying.
On the other hand, (forgive the pun) if masturbation is such a cruel and unusual activity, then why do they call it "playing with yourself"?
“Stop playing with yourself."
"Why? I never heard you tell me to stop playing monopoly... and this is a game I know I'm gonna win. I always win when I play this game."
Or what about hard-ons? Doesn't a hard-on sound like a toy?
“What are you doing up there, Jimmy?"
“I’m playing with my hard-on Ma!"
“Oh, OK honey...dinner will be ready in 5 minutes!"
It's the new hard-on from Mattel.
Then again, a hard-on could also be a super-power:
"... And that's when Captain Wankstain informed Dick Face that he was no match for his trusted hard-on!!!"
On the other hand, (forgive the pun) if masturbation is such a cruel and unusual activity, then why do they call it "playing with yourself"?
“Stop playing with yourself."
"Why? I never heard you tell me to stop playing monopoly... and this is a game I know I'm gonna win. I always win when I play this game."
Or what about hard-ons? Doesn't a hard-on sound like a toy?
“What are you doing up there, Jimmy?"
“I’m playing with my hard-on Ma!"
“Oh, OK honey...dinner will be ready in 5 minutes!"
It's the new hard-on from Mattel.
Then again, a hard-on could also be a super-power:
"... And that's when Captain Wankstain informed Dick Face that he was no match for his trusted hard-on!!!"
Of course any discussion about masturbation is incomplete unless we refer to pornography. The porno magazine industry must be suffering these days due to the amazing popularity of the internet, because have you noticed that they sell a lot of discount porno packs now? They come in those special 2 for 1 deals. It's like what they used to do with comic books in supermarkets when I was a kid, except instead of Marvel comics it's 2 pulls for the price of one. Desperate marketing strategies for desperate people, how ironic. These particular magazines feature such classy titles as Swank, which couldn't possibly be more fitting when you think about it. Reading Swank and havin' a wank! Wank with Swank! Subscribe to Swank and become a boner-fide Swanker. Okay, I'm flogging a dead whore with that one.
At this point I feel obliged to share a major criticism I have with Hustler magazine. There has been more than one occasion where I've been doing my bid-niz with the visual aid of Hustler and I INEVITABLY reached the phone line section, where my eyes fell prey to the hideous spectacle of a transsexual! What the fuckin' hell is a she-male doing in there? They have specialty items for that kind of shit, Larry Flint, you fucker!!! Just because you're paralyzed below the waist doesn't mean the rest of us want to be! That's the only time I've ever got E.D., as they euphemistically call it. Isn't erectile dysfunction just a subtle way of saying limp dick? Those people should be more honest with their advertising:
"Got limp-dick? Try Levitra!"
What more needs to be said? Okay, I know they have to announce the obligatory side-effects, but still, that only amounts to a 30-second commercial, which would save those pricks an awful lot of advertising dollars.
Anyway, after I experience limp dick after seeing that chicks with dicks bullshit that old Larry-boy loves to throw in amongst those pages, I start taking a closer look at some of the other phone line ads. One thing they all share in common is pure ridiculousness. You know, things a real woman would never say to you. They run the gamut from the mundane-"cum on my juggs", to the perversely creative- "red-hot fuck puppets want to hear you jerk-off RIGHT NOW". Then we have the Zappaesque- “I’m in the mood for splooge ", and the moronic- " I want to teach you the art of masturbation"... Art? Where the fuck's the art? You pull down your pants and start fondling yourself, it's not like it takes any special talent! All you need is a fuckin' hand for Christ's sake! Any time I see that sort of shit it always makes me think about how strange it would be if women actually spoke like that. Can you imagine a woman asking you if you wanted to learn the art of masturbation? What would you say? Would you tell her that you're already an expert, and then politely suggest that maybe you 2 should just fuck instead? Or what if a girl were to tell you that she was in the mood for splooge? Wouldn't that confuse you? It almost sounds like a type of cake, doesn't it? Splooge cake. Well, there's sponge cake, why not splooge cake? Or what if a woman declared to you that she was a red-hot fuck puppet? Doesn't that seem like possible psycho territory? She might be some deranged ho-ass like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, you know? The type of woman that would sneak into your house when you're away on family vacation and boil your daughter’s bunny rabbit in the crock pot!
"Got limp-dick? Try Levitra!"
What more needs to be said? Okay, I know they have to announce the obligatory side-effects, but still, that only amounts to a 30-second commercial, which would save those pricks an awful lot of advertising dollars.
Anyway, after I experience limp dick after seeing that chicks with dicks bullshit that old Larry-boy loves to throw in amongst those pages, I start taking a closer look at some of the other phone line ads. One thing they all share in common is pure ridiculousness. You know, things a real woman would never say to you. They run the gamut from the mundane-"cum on my juggs", to the perversely creative- "red-hot fuck puppets want to hear you jerk-off RIGHT NOW". Then we have the Zappaesque- “I’m in the mood for splooge ", and the moronic- " I want to teach you the art of masturbation"... Art? Where the fuck's the art? You pull down your pants and start fondling yourself, it's not like it takes any special talent! All you need is a fuckin' hand for Christ's sake! Any time I see that sort of shit it always makes me think about how strange it would be if women actually spoke like that. Can you imagine a woman asking you if you wanted to learn the art of masturbation? What would you say? Would you tell her that you're already an expert, and then politely suggest that maybe you 2 should just fuck instead? Or what if a girl were to tell you that she was in the mood for splooge? Wouldn't that confuse you? It almost sounds like a type of cake, doesn't it? Splooge cake. Well, there's sponge cake, why not splooge cake? Or what if a woman declared to you that she was a red-hot fuck puppet? Doesn't that seem like possible psycho territory? She might be some deranged ho-ass like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, you know? The type of woman that would sneak into your house when you're away on family vacation and boil your daughter’s bunny rabbit in the crock pot!
